Happy April Fool's Day!

Last year I created a few April Fool's Day stories for the Cat News. Since I'm doing it again, I decided to post them here first for your perusal. So here it comes ... all the news that's fit to fake!

Newest Craze: Dishwasher Cats

This new breed of cat has been specifically bred as a compact, sleek variety that is well suited to exploring standard-size dishwashers. Although they also have the ability to inspect and adapt to refrigerators, washing machines and microwave ovens, the dishwasher is their true domain.

Breeding the ever-popular Blanket Tunneling Cat with a mix of the endangered Drapery Climbing Cat and the more common Box Cat, led to the development of Dishwasheris catus, also known as Dishwasher Cats. The helpful and exploratory nature of the Blanket Cat combines well with the daring of the Drapery Cat and the Box Cat’s love of boxy spaces.

Although a dishwasher isn’t necessary to the successful raising of D. catus, it is highly recommended. Please consider a Sink Cat if you do not own a dishwasher. See this wonderful breed in action at Cats In Sinks.

Grow Your Own Kitty

From the fertile San Fernando Valley come compressed kitty plant discs. This innovative product allows you to grow a kitty of your own in no time. Merely place the disc in the pot provided, and add water. Like magic a full-grown kitty will sprout up and be a wonderful addition to your home and garden. Available wherever fine products are sold.

NASA’s Cats In Space

In keeping with the new administration’s commitment to science excellence, NASA has received funding to add catronauts to their space program. Although cats and other animals preceded humans into space this will be that first time that they are voluntarily going.

“I’m proud to represent my species and look forward to an extended stay on the International Space Station as soon as the Zero-Gravity Litter 3000 is up and running,” says Commander Felix Catastrophic. “We are just scratching the surface of the benefits to be gained by further cooperation between our species.” That said, Commander “Cat”, as he’s affectionately known, presented this reporter with a dead freeze-dried mouse as a gesture of goodwill.

Unusual Twins Born

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when they were born,” says father Harry Armstrong. “At first I thought that maybe my wife had been out catting around, but the lighter-haired twin has my whiskers.”

Although rare, these non-identical twin sets have supposedly appeared in ancient times among the royal Egyptian families. Ramses and Spamses are "healthy and happy," says mom, Bastet. “My little boys are just two wonderful bundles of joy!” she exclaims.

Scientists are eager to study the children, but the parents have thus far refused all offers. “We just want our kids to have a normal childhood. They are already on a waiting list for a top of the line preschool they will be attending part-time just as soon as they are litter box trained,” the proud father declared.

Falling Off The Blogging Wagon

Hi. My name is Trilby and I’m a blogger. You may not know it to look at me. I thought I could control it, but I admit that it is a habit. I have been known to blog nights and weekends, first thing in the morning and even mid-afternoon. Never at work though! I draw the line at that!

You may have thought I had given it up. After all, I was posting here once a month and then boom! Not a word was written … here, that is. But no, I hadn’t stopped at all. I just moved my blogging over to Topix, where I made my thoughts known on everything from Pet Abuse to Stephen Colbert naming a module in the International Space Station to being the first to post the News Flash that a 5 yr-old accused of stabbing his sister over a Nintendo DS was actually innocent. His mom had framed him.

And finally, yes I'll admit it, I've even ... *gasp* ... Twittered!

Just thought you’d like to know. The first step is in admitting that you have a problem.

Of Course I Know What I'm Talking About!

Years ago, it was not okay to say the word "ass" in media broadcasting according to FCC regulations. This outdated way of thinking was updated because, as everyone knows, an ass is a donkey. Consequently, all of the following terms are to be taken completely within that context.

Ass: This is a donkey.

Jackass: Again, this is a donkey. Calling someone a jackass is like calling them a donkey and is supposed to be insulting. Donkeys would also be insulted if they understood this.

Donkey's ass: This is just redundancy. It could be referring to a donkey's bottom, but I doubt it.

Cute ass: A really adorable donkey.

Smart-ass: This is calling someone a donkey and a smart aleck at the same time. It may also imply that donkeys are clever in an annoying way.

Asshole: Obviously, this is a hole that is big enough for a donkey to fall into. Dangerous and annoying for both the donkey and its owner, assholes are found all over the world.

Ass-wipe: What better way to clean up your donkey than with an ass-wipe. This is especially handy if your donkey has fallen into an asshole and gotten all messy. Some people think this means toilet paper, but cleaning a dirty donkey with toilet paper would take a really long time, so they are wrong.

Piece of ass: When someone is talking about getting a piece of ass they are showing the same satisfaction that a vulture would experience upon finding a dead chunk of donkey.

Fine piece of ass: A particularly succulent piece of dead donkey. Vultures love this.

So, there you go. The next time you hear someone in the media say something like "I told him to get his ass out of my way" you'll know they are just referring to someone's donkey. Really, people who can't control their donkeys are irritating, I must agree. Some people are so bad, they can't find their ass using both hands and really just need to keep it stabled somewhere, don't you think?

In Which I Become Contemplative

When you renew your marriage vows for your 25th anniversary it's like saying, "I would do this with you all over again, - for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." Then off you embark on your next 25 years (God willing) and holding hands, you dance into the future.

Renewing your vows for your 50th must feel a bit different. You won't be doing it all over again, for one thing. Holding hands, you would dance off into the future knowing that every year from here on out is a gift. Granted, it's a gift no matter what your age. However, when you can look back on more years than you can look ahead to, I'd have to believe that time together becomes more precious.

Which brings me to Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. No matter what else Paul has done to show us what a life well lived looks like, staying married to Joanne for 50 years is at the top of his accomplishments that I admire. I even got a little teary and shared about it here.

What have I learned from getting to where I am? Cherish those you love. Time is fleeting. Eternity is real but today is a gift to be lived well. Our lives are somewhat like leaves - when the production of chlorophyll in a leaf declines you can see its true colors. When the number of years we have yet to sojourn on this planet declines, our true colors are seen, too.


Let me leave you with this: love is the most important thing we have to share. Love. A life lived for love - of a beloved, of family, of friends, of animals, of the helpless, of those in need, of those who share our dreams, of our planet - that life is beautiful.

Amazing Randomness or Does This Butt Make My Dress Look Big?

This will have nothing to do with my butt, sorry to disappoint you, but the statement "Does this butt make my dress look big?" is my little commentary on how we humans use language. Many of us use circumvention, manipulation, finesse and flattery to attain affirmation and other positive benefits. Just listen to a salesperson or politician at work if you doubt me.

Language can be beautiful though and the language of love is the most beautiful of all. Since I'm celebrating 25 years of marriage this year, I can safely say that you can live "Happily Even After!" Oops, I meant "Ever After!" Plus, I didn't even need one of these to make it this far:

Fast forward to the random. It may only be the last day of August, but the scent of Autumn is in the air here in the Northwest. Thoughts of berry harvesting, crisp apples, pumpkins and yes, even Halloween are running through my mind. Costumes are fun any time of year and dog costumes are particularly funny. This one is a bargain and just too, too cute:

Which you can buy for your own pooch here.

It is possible to get your cat into a costume and they can be unbelievably adorable. More than likely though, the cat will just look extremely put upon and you may end up reaching for the antibacterial ointment and bandages.

Since I have the Yoda dog costume here, I can't pass up the chance to post Dogth Vader:

You don't have to have a dog or a cat to pimp out your pet in style:

For truly amazing randomness (mathematically speaking) - Click Here!

A Little Summer Reading List

There aren't really any other blog links listed here as of yet, but there are definitely some that I check in on from time to time. Since I like to promote reading and post links, here (in no particular order) are some blogs that are among my favorites. Please enjoy them with a refreshing beverage of your choice and have a happy summer.

Science & Super Models
Making The World Safe For Science One Super Model At A Time

Gumby The Cat
Science And Critical Thinking For The Common Man

Passive-Agressive Notes
Painfully Polite And Hilariously Hostile Writings From Shared Spaces The World Over

Hello Kitty Hell
One Man's Life With Cute Overload

iamcal.com
Travel Lightyears In Heartbeats

Bad Home Cooking
A Food Blog... With A Twist Of Incompetence

The Lipstick Chronicles
Where The Book Tarts Talk Love, Laughter, Laundry And The Mysteries Of Writing Life

Mike Sterling's Progressive Ruin
It's Squishy

Dog's Eye View
Some Days You're The Dog... Some Days You're The Hydrant

Cocktail Party Physics
Physics With A Twist

WWdN: In Exile
Wil Wheaton Says, "Don't Be A Dick!"

bookofjoe
'World's Most Popular Blogging Anesthesiologist'

Curious Cat Science And Engineering Blog
Science And Engineering: Innovation, Research, Education And Economics

Eavesdrop Writer
A Writer's Inspirations From Eavesdropping
Plus another blog from the same author:
Diva Cosmos
This Is My Alter-Ego's Blog. I'm Nice. She's Not.

Geeks Are Sexy
What more do you need to say after that?

Brownie Points
A Good Girl's Notebook Of Her Culinary World

Olga, The Traveling Bra
Keeping the World Abreast of All My Exciting Globe-Trotting Adventures!

The Wordmachinist
This guy rocks his MySpace blog.

July Is For Blowing Things Up

Before I get into the joys of blowing things up to celebrate American freedom, I'd like to briefly implore anyone who has access to a child to:

A - Keep them safe around fireworks, fires, flammable things ... you catch my drift. A local grade-schooler here on the river just did himself some serious damage by being allowed to handle gasoline near an open fire.

B - See if they really know what the words in the National Anthem mean. Otherwise it ends up being the Star Mangled Banner with lines like "Jose, can you see?" and "the home of the Braves." Personally, I have sang it at so many baseball games that I often hear a phantom echo of the words "Play Ball!" at the end of it. But really, how many kids have ever seen a rampart anyway? You can enlighten them as to the meanings of words in that first verse (we never sing the others) and then all they'll have to deal with is the near impossibility of hitting those high notes in the latter part of the song. It's not necessary to share that the melody is actually from an old drinking song. Save that tidbit of information for when they're older.

So ... back to blowing things up. Being born and raised in Southern California I never got my hands on many legal fireworks. It took a move to Oregon to give me that access. Yay, Oregon! Some organizations make their budget funds for the entire year just by throwing up a tent and waiting for folks to come empty their wallets there in pursuit of explosive bliss.

Then came a trip to New Mexico. Who knew that Texas chasers really chased you? Or that fireworks could bounce up into the air and off the ground several times and maybe end up on someone's roof? You could walk into a shack, plunk down your money and walk out with a firework that shot way up into the sky and massively exploded! What really blew me away was how everything there was just like tinder and yet extremely dangerous fireworks were, in fact, totally legal. Cool.

Our neighbor down the road just happens to have his Oregon Pyrotechnics license. While we will still be lighting off our own stash of fireworks in our yard at some point in the evening this 4th, we also want to pitch in for his display this year and watch him ignite it. Good times.

Finally, I just want to convey blessings and gratitude to our military and their families at this time - you are appreciated!