Happy April Fool's Day!

Last year I created a few April Fool's Day stories for the Cat News. Since I'm doing it again, I decided to post them here first for your perusal. So here it comes ... all the news that's fit to fake!

Newest Craze: Dishwasher Cats

This new breed of cat has been specifically bred as a compact, sleek variety that is well suited to exploring standard-size dishwashers. Although they also have the ability to inspect and adapt to refrigerators, washing machines and microwave ovens, the dishwasher is their true domain.

Breeding the ever-popular Blanket Tunneling Cat with a mix of the endangered Drapery Climbing Cat and the more common Box Cat, led to the development of Dishwasheris catus, also known as Dishwasher Cats. The helpful and exploratory nature of the Blanket Cat combines well with the daring of the Drapery Cat and the Box Cat’s love of boxy spaces.

Although a dishwasher isn’t necessary to the successful raising of D. catus, it is highly recommended. Please consider a Sink Cat if you do not own a dishwasher. See this wonderful breed in action at Cats In Sinks.

Grow Your Own Kitty

From the fertile San Fernando Valley come compressed kitty plant discs. This innovative product allows you to grow a kitty of your own in no time. Merely place the disc in the pot provided, and add water. Like magic a full-grown kitty will sprout up and be a wonderful addition to your home and garden. Available wherever fine products are sold.

NASA’s Cats In Space

In keeping with the new administration’s commitment to science excellence, NASA has received funding to add catronauts to their space program. Although cats and other animals preceded humans into space this will be that first time that they are voluntarily going.

“I’m proud to represent my species and look forward to an extended stay on the International Space Station as soon as the Zero-Gravity Litter 3000 is up and running,” says Commander Felix Catastrophic. “We are just scratching the surface of the benefits to be gained by further cooperation between our species.” That said, Commander “Cat”, as he’s affectionately known, presented this reporter with a dead freeze-dried mouse as a gesture of goodwill.

Unusual Twins Born

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when they were born,” says father Harry Armstrong. “At first I thought that maybe my wife had been out catting around, but the lighter-haired twin has my whiskers.”

Although rare, these non-identical twin sets have supposedly appeared in ancient times among the royal Egyptian families. Ramses and Spamses are "healthy and happy," says mom, Bastet. “My little boys are just two wonderful bundles of joy!” she exclaims.

Scientists are eager to study the children, but the parents have thus far refused all offers. “We just want our kids to have a normal childhood. They are already on a waiting list for a top of the line preschool they will be attending part-time just as soon as they are litter box trained,” the proud father declared.

Of Course I Know What I'm Talking About!

Years ago, it was not okay to say the word "ass" in media broadcasting according to FCC regulations. This outdated way of thinking was updated because, as everyone knows, an ass is a donkey. Consequently, all of the following terms are to be taken completely within that context.

Ass: This is a donkey.

Jackass: Again, this is a donkey. Calling someone a jackass is like calling them a donkey and is supposed to be insulting. Donkeys would also be insulted if they understood this.

Donkey's ass: This is just redundancy. It could be referring to a donkey's bottom, but I doubt it.

Cute ass: A really adorable donkey.

Smart-ass: This is calling someone a donkey and a smart aleck at the same time. It may also imply that donkeys are clever in an annoying way.

Asshole: Obviously, this is a hole that is big enough for a donkey to fall into. Dangerous and annoying for both the donkey and its owner, assholes are found all over the world.

Ass-wipe: What better way to clean up your donkey than with an ass-wipe. This is especially handy if your donkey has fallen into an asshole and gotten all messy. Some people think this means toilet paper, but cleaning a dirty donkey with toilet paper would take a really long time, so they are wrong.

Piece of ass: When someone is talking about getting a piece of ass they are showing the same satisfaction that a vulture would experience upon finding a dead chunk of donkey.

Fine piece of ass: A particularly succulent piece of dead donkey. Vultures love this.

So, there you go. The next time you hear someone in the media say something like "I told him to get his ass out of my way" you'll know they are just referring to someone's donkey. Really, people who can't control their donkeys are irritating, I must agree. Some people are so bad, they can't find their ass using both hands and really just need to keep it stabled somewhere, don't you think?

Things That Make Me Go W00t (Or Not)

I’m ridiculously fond of Topix right now. It gives me news, lets me edit and I can blog there to my heart’s content. I highly recommend checking out some of the 360,000 plus categories they have.

Speaking of ridiculousness, there’s an invention coming soon to a restroom near you. It will dole out toilet paper just like those automatic paper towel holders do. Sorry, but you’ll only get 5 sheets with each wave of your hand. This company just wants a little piece of the $1 billion away-from-home toilet paper market.

Robots are always cool. They can perform surgery, clean my floors, poop out bricks of snow while clearing the streets and entertain me in so many ways. I will need a robot of my own soon.

The International Space Station is getting some Japanese food this year. Yummy. How have they managed without it?

There is a gorgeous Japanese website that has the most elaborate bento box food I have ever, ever seen. It is way too pretty to eat, but I would.

Sanrio has made some bodacious Hello Kitty products – even a sushi bar – but I’m not too sure where I stand on the Hello Kitty Urinal Target that I saw at Hello Kitty Hell. It seems wrong to pee on her, you know?

There’s this guy I discovered named Baron Bob who will sell you the most ludicrous crap in the most entertaining way. Do you doubt me? Just watch him sell you on this Singing Dancing Tequila Worm.

Here’s something to do. Determine if you are left-eyed or right-eyed. It really works and you’ll be so proud. It’s like you joined a special club.

When I want to get my cute on I go to the purveyors of the adorable, the folks at Cute Overload. There’s more fun to be had at Stuff On My Cat and of course, the LOL cats at I Can Has Cheezburger?